


I'm Forever Missing Him

by ificouldwrite



Series: I'm Forever Missing Him [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Guilty Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Hurt Merlin (Merlin), Merlin Dies (Merlin)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:40:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27336550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ificouldwrite/pseuds/ificouldwrite
Summary: The king watches as the gallows are stripped from the courtyard, leaving nothing behind. His gaze lingers for a moment, as though waiting for someone to appear. The numbness of empty space is agonizing.Arthur Pendragon is not his father. He does not have sorcerers burned.But he does have them hanged. What difference does it make, to execute the manservant to the king?— — — —Upon the magic reveal, Arthur has Merlin hanged.
Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: I'm Forever Missing Him [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2080887
Comments: 17
Kudos: 125





	I'm Forever Missing Him

**Author's Note:**

> hello! i'm back again with another fic! this one is much sadder and much darker than the other ones i've done, so please be aware! 
> 
> the title is from the song "youth" by daughter, which is a phenomenal song if any of you have heard it, and there are references to "the hanging tree" from the hunger games. 
> 
> a very sad, sad fic based of very sad media and i'm sorry!

The gallows weren't really gallows as the King watched the rope and the body get removed from the tree. The hill was quiet. It was only him that remained, and the executioner that stripped the tree of any remnants of what had happened. 

"We'll wheel him back to the castle, my lord," the executioner told the king. He looked at Arthur expectantly, waiting for further directions. Arthur looked at the body, the dull eyes that were once so bright and full of life, the pale skin that was almost transparent in the fading sun. 

"Give him a proper burial," Arthur said, his throat hoarse as though he'd been screaming for days. "Nothing more." The executioner nodded, covering the body with a sheet. 

— — — —

Months passed, and nothing got easier. Arthur regretted his decision more and more every day. It seemed to get worse as the sorrow dug deeper within him, eating away at his heart and his soul. He clutched Merlin's jacket to his chest when he slept, reveling in the smell of him, drowning in the course feel of the coat against his fingertips. The scent faded, but the guilt and regret didn't. 

He was wrong, he was so, so wrong to have done what he did. 

Guinevere refused to speak to him. Before the execution, Gwen had begged him not to carry out the order. She'd cried, and cried, and cried. She'd slapped him, too, and screamed at him for being cruel and horrible. Now, she remained in heavy silence. They'd only crossed paths once or twice in the time since Merlin's death. 

He could face the knights without feeling their disappointment and pain. He'd ordered them to take Merlin to the tree. Gwaine frequented the tavern even more often than he had before. He'd renounced his knighthood after calling Arthur every foul name he could think of. Surely, he was going to drink himself to death, Arthur thought. Percival warned him of this, of course, but the drunk Irishman ignored all the warnings and took another tankard of mead. 

The knights of the round table had all renounced their knighthoods. Gwaine first, and then Elyan, and then Percival. Leon was the only one who remained by Arthur's side, but he sent disapproving looks to the king every chance he got. He could feel everyone mourning a sorcerer. 

— — — —

The whispers begin a year after Merlin's death. Arthur heard it as he's putting out the candles, when his chambers were dark and there was no one inside but him. He went to bed, and he still hadn't had a restful sleep for the past year. That night, though, on the anniversary of the execution, Arthur dreamt of Merlin. 

It was the first time he'd done so. He hadn't seen his manservant's face since.... since. But suddenly, he was plunged into sleep, and he found himself under the willow. The sunlight was filtered, warm and bright but eerie and unsettling in the place where Arthur knew such a horrible thing happened. 

"Arthur," said a voice. And it's him, oh, it's him. Arthur rounded the tree to see Merlin standing beneath a branch, tying a rope to a sturdy one that was just high enough to be out of reach when he stood. Perfect for...

"Merlin," Arthur said breathlessly. "What are you doing?" he asked. 

Merlin gave him a curious look. "I think you know." Arthur reached out to stop him, but Merlin was too quick. "No, no." 

"Stop this," Arthur said . He desperately tried to pull the noose away from Merlin's hands, but Merlin held it out of reach. "Please, Merlin, I'm begging you." Just as Arthur lunged for Merlin, he found himself several meters away, watching as Merlin secured the rope around his neck, standing on a wooden platform. 

"Go, Arthur," he said softly.

Arthur snapped awake, trembling in his bed as he shouted Merlin's name.

— — — —

The next night, Arthur had a different dream, but Merlin was still present. This time, Merlin was being dragged away and up the hill towards the tree, just as he had been on the day, begging and shouting and looking at Arthur with such desperation it was agonizing. Arthur ran towards him, screaming, but his feet were heavy with weight, and he's wading through an ocean at the base of the hill. Merlin please!" He struggled to pull himself from the clutches of the water, the sounds of cries getting fainter and fainter as Merlin was dragged up to the tree. Just as he pulled himself from the infinite pool, the shouting went silent and Arthur saw the silhouette of the corpse from where he treads through water. 

The next night, Arthur didn't sleep. 

— — — —

A week passed, and still the nightmares got even more violent and more heartbreaking. The most recent one had Merlin telling Arthur to run, to save himself. 

"I'll go in his place," Merlin told the executioner and the guards. "Take me, please. I'll gladly die for him. His life is worth a hundred of mine," he told the men that held him. Arthur couldn't speak in this one, tongue tied. He swore Merlin must have said the words in his own life, in reality, but didn't think he was the witness of it. Sorrow and regret clawed at his throat at the very thought of Merlin trading his life for his, when all Arthur did was put him to death. Even now, he could only watch as Merlin begged him to flee, to escape whatever this evil was. 

"Run, Arthur," Merlin urged him. "Please, run. Go," he told him. "Save yourself."

Arthur was still frozen as Merlin hangs from the tree, his body limp and cold and swaying slightly. The executioner pulled his hood off and turned to him. Arthur found himself staring at his own face. 

— — — —

He found himself at Gaius' chambers that night, desperate. "Gaius?" He knocked on the door tentatively. The old physician looked weary as he opens it, recognizing the voice of the young king. 

"Yes, sire?" Gaius said quietly. His gaze fixated on Arthur and his eyebrow raised slightly at the state he's in. Arthur knew how he must look: disheveled, dark circles under his eyes, ruffled hair and shaking hands. "You look tired, my lord." 

"I... I came to see you about a sleeping draught," he said. "I haven't been sleeping well." Gaius nodded pensively, then beckons him into the physician's chambers. Arthur trailed after him at a distance, seeing the hunched form and the sorrow in Gaius' eyes. Arthur saw the anger, the despair, of watching his ward be murdered when he'd promised Hunith he'd keep him safe. Now, Arthur thought of Merlin's mother, how she must have reacted seeing the letter. Arthur was too much a coward to read it.

"Tell me what ails you, sire," Gaius said sadly, going to his potions cabinet. "Just lack of sleep? Is there something keeping you awake?"

"Dreams," Arthur admitted, "or nightmares, really." Gaius frowned and gave him a quizzical look. "They're different but... the same, in certain parts." _I watch Merlin die every time I go to bed._ Gaius took a vial and hands it to him. 

"It'll put you into a deep sleep, you won't suffer from dreams," Gaius informed him tersely. "If that'll be all, my lord." Arthur blinked, staring down at the vial. 

"Thank you, Gaius," Arthur said, and he turned around to exit the chambers that reek of Merlin, that reek of his absence.

— — — —

The draughts didn't help, not really. They brought him to nearly a comatose state, and he still felt exhausted when he woke. Arthur chose to neglect taking them after the first several nights, and it was then that the dreams worsened. The whispers had gotten louder, more insistent, and they nearly drove him to madness in his waking hours. At last, he went to Gaius for help. 

"I've been seeing him in my dreams," Arthur murmured as he sat in the physician's chambers. Gaius paused a moment in his movements. "I watch him... I watch him..." Arthur can't bare to finish the thought. "I don't know what to do. I've made a mistake and I can't fix it and I don't know what to do." Gaius listened carefully, in stoic silence as he takes all of the information in. Arthur told him of the dreams, of all the things that he's seen in the phantoms of his mind. The old physician realized the depth of the young king's guilt, and could not bring himself to be angry with him. 

"There's a phenomenon called lucid dreaming," Gaius offered. "I believe that... it may help you find closure. It's as though a part of Merlin's spirit has clung onto you, making you relive your greatest regrets." Arthur swallowed, nodding. "I'll give you the elixir, but it would do you good to read this first," Gaius said, going to retrieve a book and setting it in front of Arthur. "We shall prepare you for a week, and you'll continue to take the sleeping draughts so you my rest without seeing him." Gaius sighed heavily. "It would also do you good if you learned as much about Merlin as you could," he said quietly, "before you try lucid dreaming. This spirit will be... malicious. It's better to know your enemy."

"Enemy?"

"Remnants are not usually the true reflections of their owner. This one seems particularly bitter, and having been murdered at such a cruel manner will not help you." Arthur nodded again, hearing the reprimanding but also the sadness in Gaius' tone. "You may go to Merlin's chambers, if you'd like," he offers. Arthur flinched at the thought, but he took a shuddering breath. 

"Thank you, Gaius," he said. "Perhaps tomorrow." Gaius nodded in understanding. 

"Good night, sire." 

— — — —

It had taken Arthur far too long to gather the courage to enter Merlin's chambers. He sat at the edge of the bed, not wanting to disturb it. Something caught his eye from underneath the pillow. Arthur found letters stuffed beneath, parchments bounded with twine, folded carefully, each bearing a name. Most of them were addressed to Arthur. He carefully opened one and began to read. 

_Arthur,_

_I've written this letter a thousand times and could write it a thousand more, and still, I do not think that there are enough words to encompass the explanation. I've left this behind in the case that I've miraculously... died unexpectedly, or were grievously injured, what have you. I wish I could have told you in person, but if I am gone, this may be the only way._

_I have magic, Arthur, and I use it only for you._

_I was born with it, and I came to Camelot to... learn to control it. To make a use of myself and become a physician. But then, I was told of this great destiny, that you were meant to be the king of Albion and unite the five kingdoms. The destiny said that I was to help you succeed._

_I kept it a secret for this very reason, because I knew you'd chop my head off if you found out, or if Uther found out. It was a matter of death or secrets, and I hope you understand that death was not an option if I should be by your side to protect you, and could not do that if you knew._

_I'm sorry to have hidden it from you, but I hope you understand why, or will come to accept it. Nonetheless, I'm happy to be your servant, till the day I die. I'm grateful to have served a great king._

_We've had our fun, my friend._

_Merlin  
_

Arthur stared at the parchment, the familiar handwriting he saw on speeches written for him to present at important events and to the knights. He felt an emptiness swell within him, crushing him. He held the parchment to his chest, pressing it to his heart. He wanted to beg forgiveness, but knew there would not be enough words to repent for what he had done. He curled on his side, lying atop Merlin's covers, tears staining the pillow of a dead man's bed. 

— — — —

Gaius set two potions in front of him. "This one gives you the ability to control your dreams. It may not work fully, as I said it takes practice to master it completely but it may do the trick. This one, is to see Merlin." Arthur looked at the two bottles, and immediately drank both of them, desperate and afraid. He had nothing more to lose.

It felt like the potions set fire to his lungs, but he began to feel drowsy and had the faint memory of Gaius laying him down on the patient's bed, gentle hands pushing him onto his back. He closed his eyes and slipped into sleep. 

Arthur found himself in the throne room. Of course, he started in the throne room. 

Arthur's breath caught as he saw Merlin sitting upon his throne, casually leaning forward with his elbows on his knees as he held his hands together loosely. He looked... ethereal, and beautiful, despite the eerie blue glow of his skin and glare in eyes that were once so full of loyalty. Arthur couldn't help but stare. 

"You're here," he breathed, a whisper against the cold in the room. 

Merlin narrowed his eyes, thinking. "You figured it out," Merlin said. It was not a question, but he leaned forward to hear Arthur's answer. 

"Gaius tells me you're a remnant," Arthur choked out. "That part of you stayed with me. Why?"

Merlin avoided answering the question. "I once considered you my closest friend," he said, shaking his head as if the very statement is disgusting and vile on his tongue. "I should have known you did not feel the same." The words struck Arthur's heart and twisted inside him. 

"Why are you here?" he croaked. 

Merlin's expression grew more menacing, more threatening. "I wanted you to know what such betrayal felt like, _my lord_."

"I've felt betrayal before," Arthur said, and he wanted to kick himself for trying to make a defensive claim. He was here to find closure. He was here to apologize to Merlin. 

"This is different and you know it," Merlin spat bitterly. "You weren't murdered for something you were born with. You weren't murdered by a friend." Arthur felt this as a heavy blow. Merlin took a shuddering breath. "I am made of the very thing you hate so much," Merlin said, turning away. "No wonder you killed me, no wonder you _hated_ me." Emotion began to ebb into Merlin's tone, and he was no longer as angry but... sad. He's _sad_.

The king looked at him with despair. "I never hated you. I could never hate you. You're my closest friend and I'm so sorry for how I've wronged you." 

Merlin took a long breath. "Why are you lying to me?" he said, voice frigid and accusing. The frustration had returned almost instantly. "Why would you lie to me?"

"Why would you lie to _me_?" Arthur snapped. Merlin's eyes flared dangerously. Arthur instantly regretted the words. "I didn't mean that, I'm sorry." Merlin stood, leaving the throne behind him as he approached Arthur. He should be afraid, he should certainly be afraid, but Arthur stood still and let this phantom draw near. 

"Look where the truth got me," Merlin hissed, and Arthur could feel the coldness of the air that surrounded Merlin's body. The temperature seemed to drop with every second that passed. He walked past Arthur, and just as he did he could see the bruising around Merlin's neck where the rope had tugged at his throat, rubbing it raw. 

Arthur shook his head, cursing and scolding himself for his temper. He reached out to place a hand on Merlin's shoulder to pull him back but felt as he flinched against the touch. He was surprised he could touch him at all. "Please—"

"You had me hanged," he said quietly. "You had me _hanged_ Arthur. And now you're here, asking why I lied to you." Now, Arthur could see the genuine hurt instead of anger. There was no trace of rage in Merlin's lithe body, and Arthur swore he could see tears in his eyes. The remnant seemed to be more of Merlin than he'd thought. 

Merlin swallowed. "You need to leave," he said. 

Arthur felt a physical ache at this. "There's more to discuss." He desperately wanted Merlin to take up all of his time, to be so entirely consumed by this man that he missed so deeply. "I miss you, and I'm sorry." 

"Sorry won't bring me back."

— — — —

Arthur woke up with a gasp. Gaius was right by his side, waiting. "You're alright, sire," he said reassuringly. 

"I saw him," Arthur said. "I saw him, Gaius." 

"And?"

"I want to see him again," Arthur said immediately. "I need to see him again." Gaius furrowed his eyebrows. 

"You should try sleeping tonight, without a draught," he said carefully. "Perhaps that was the closure." Arthur shook his head, but the physician was insistent. "Really, Arthur. It may be time to move on." He sent Arthur away to his chambers to sleep, but the dreams returned and this time, it was... quieter. 

Arthur appeared at the base of the hill once again. There was no water, no guards, no pyre or executioner. Only Merlin. Rather than anguished or teary eyed, he looked... peaceful. "What are you doing here?"

"Stay with me, Arthur," Merlin said quietly, handing him a noose. Arthur looked at it, confused. Merlin tied his own noose to the tree, and Arthur's eyes widened. "By your side, like I always am." He understood, and oh gods, he understood. Merlin wanted him to hang himself, too. "I didn't want you to feel that you were alone. Would you do the same for me?" The words were echoes of past memories, and they were filling Arthur with a sense of dread. "I'm happy to be your servant, till the day I die." 

"Merlin, stop this."

"If that day is today, so be it, as long as I'm with you." 

"Merlin—"

"You're the greatest king Camelot has ever known," he said. "I was destined to serve you, Arthur." 

"Stop—"

"Only for you, Arthur, only for you."

— — — —

Arthur took the potion once again that night, and rather than in the throne room, he found Merlin in the meadow just outside of Camelot, where he so often dragged the manservant to help with courting women. Merlin sat facing the stream, waiting. Arthur sat beside him. The shift in mood was jarring. Rather than the emptiness of the cold throne room, they were in a sunny, beautiful meadow that was warm and bright and happy. Merlin was the first to speak. 

"After all this time, I didn't think you cared about me," Merlin said. "I was hoping I was wrong. But I wasn't." He turned away and buried his face in his shoulder, away from Arthur. The king heard stifled sobs, nearly silent as they consumed the lithe body beside him. Then, Merlin seemed to compose himself and he took a shuddering breath. 

"I did care about you. I do." Merlin sighed, uncurling himself as he rolled onto his back. Tears streamed steadily down the side of his face. 

"You're lying to me," he whispered. 

"I'm not," Arthur insisted. He paused. "Are you the same remnant?"

"There aren't different remnants for the same person, Arthur," Merlin said. He paused for a moment. "I was angry, but now I'm... I'm tired, Arthur." He stared at the blue sky that hung above them. "I constructed some of your dreams, to make you replay your regret. But most of them were created in your own mind, without my doing." 

"I regret what I did, more than I've regretted anything in my entire life." Merlin's eyes only grew sadder. "I considered you my closest friend. I miss you, and I'm sorry." 

"I'll leave you alone now," he said softly. "The nightmares won't remain. I won't remain." Arthur felt a panic. 

"But there's so much I want to say to you." 

Merlin shook his head. "There isn't much you can say." 

"I'm sorry for how I treated you," Arthur apologized. He knew it wasn't enough, so he continued, "I shouldn't have called you a coward. I shouldn't have insulted you so much. You weren't useless, you were brave and loyal and kind, and I don't know what else you suffered due to me but I'm forever grateful. There aren't words to tell you how sorry I am, truly." Tears burned Arthur's eyes, and he saw them in Merlin's as well. There was a glow that shone over the dream, over the meadow. In the distance, they saw the hanging tree alone on the hill. "You're going," Arthur said in realization. Merlin nodded. 

"You've paid your penance," he said, lowering his head. Arthur saw how Merlin's form began to fade. 

"What else can I—"

"Hold me, please. Just... hold me." 

Arthur wrapped his arms around Merlin, and as the light began to fade, the sun set and he woke.

**Author's Note:**

> i may add an alternate ending where merlin comes back, but i dunno i'm quite happy with how it ended. on the other hand, i also made it kind of abrupt cuz i really wanted it done. anyways, if a happy ending is largely requested, i'll write it! 
> 
> thank you SO MUCH for reading and i hope you enjoyed. please leave a comment if you'd like! they're always a pleasure to read :D


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